Where do we go when we’re with others?
Researchers worked with 1,717 individuals who gave us a glimpse at their inner thoughts by finishing sentences like "When I'm by myself, I..." and "When I'm with others, I..." This inner musing glimpse deepened our understanding on how individuals perceive their experiences when with others and when alone . So, what's the scoop?
The Social Scene: Living in the Now
The study found that when people were surrounded by their peers, it was all about the present moment in life! Participants engaged in ‘here and now’ language when thinking of being with others. But hold up – it's not all sunshine and rainbows. The ‘with others’ group also expressed feeling more on edge. Anxiety alert! And, in this section of people, the study found that people were more likely to be aroused by anger. (Probably because Karen won't stop talking about her cat's Instagram account)
Solo Adventures: Time to Reflect
On the other hand, the study found that people in the ‘when alone’ group were taking a stroll down memory lane. Participants in this section expressed feeling sadness more salient yet in this alone time people described themselves engaging in leisure activities more strongly. Netflix binge, anyone?
How does DBT Skill fit in?
Mindfulness of others is an interpersonal skill we can use to navigate the social scene more intentionally. How to practice this skill: observe, describe, and participate.
Observe: move the anxiety colors lens from yourself to focusing on the people around you.
‘Did Karen just say that her cat’s instagram has a million followers?! How?’
Describe: Replace judgment thoughts with descriptive ones.
‘This looks like a lazy cat that does nothing. She’s giving crazy cat lady energy’---> ‘the cat seems relaxed. She’s animated and talks very warmly about her.’
Participate: throw yourself fully into the conversation!
Developing the ability to observe without judgment allows us to connect with others more meaningfully. While it's easy to form colorful judgements about what someone is saying, this approach often hinders effective listening – a skill I deeply value. Of course, there are times when disengaging from a conversation might be more appropriate. However, when my wisest self flags that my current approach isn't working, it's time to try something different.
This is where the practice of observing and describing comes into play. Quite often my judgment thoughts are fueling the misery I feel in small talks. When we give ourselves the permission to fully participate in the conversation it can lead to more enriching interactions. This shift in perspective not only improves our communication but also enhances our overall social experiences.
References:
Linehan, M. M. (2015). DBT® skills training manual (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.
Uziel, L. (2020). The language of being alone and being with others. Social Psychology.
